7 Ways to Support Your Teen if They Get Deferred or Denied
College decisions sometimes land with a thud.
Deferred (otherwise known as the wholly unsatisfying, “maybe?”)
Denied (simply put “No.”)
These answers that nobody wants to get, open a whole portal of questions. What’s next? Why me? Why NOT me?
And then there are the emotions…from indifference to despair…they run the gamut.
But your support now can make a tremendous difference in how your teen processes these outcomes.
Here are 7 powerful ways to guide them through this emotional stretch with confidence and calm:
1. Lead with Empathy — Not Solutions
Teens don’t want their feelings fixed — they want them understood. Try phrases that validate without amplifying the emotion:
“I know this process is a lot, and I’m proud of how you’ve handled it.”
“Whatever you’re feeling right now is completely okay.”
“This moment doesn’t define you, but your feelings about it are real and valid.”
“This matters to you, and I see that.”
Validating their experience helps reduce their stress and signals safety, which is far more helpful than rushing into next steps.
2. Keep Your Reactions Measured and Grounded (aka No BONFIRES!)
Do we know parents who have created college sweatshirt bonfires? Yes. We sure do.
Your calm is contagious. And so is your stress.
Remember, your tone shapes theirs. This won’t be the last time they face disappointment. Show them how to handle it with grace and maturity.
Keep reactions calm and confident. Your steadiness becomes their anchor.
3. Normalize Deferrals and Denials
Teens often interpret a deferral or denial as a reflection of their worth. Remind them that admissions decisions are influenced by institutional priorities, not flaws or deficiencies.
And a “rejection” is simply just a “redirection.”
Strong students are deferred or denied every year — often for reasons that have nothing to do with academics, or character. This perspective helps them zoom out and regain balance.
4. Help Them Step Away from Comparisons
Group chats, hallway talk, TikTok, and Instagram can intensify anxiety and trigger comparison spirals. Gently encourage boundaries or breaks:
“Let’s take a night off from the group chat.”
“You can celebrate others without comparing yourself to them.”
“Everyone is on their own path – yours is just as special as anyone else’s – because it’s yours.
This protects your teen’s mental space so they can focus on their own journey, not someone else’s highlight reel.
5. Keep Home Feeling Safe, Calm, and Pressure-Free
Your teen is navigating pressure from school, peers, and social media — home should feel like the opposite.
Minimize repeated questions like “Have you heard yet?” and keep routines as normal as possible. Make space for relaxation, sleep, laughter, and everyday life. A peaceful home environment helps them stay emotionally regulated during a stressful time.
6. Support the Next Step — Without Rushing or Oversteering
Different outcomes lead to different action plans, but let your teen set the pace:
Deferred? Acknowledge feelings first. Give space. Then talk about next steps like a Letter of Continued Interest, strong mid-year grades, or updates.
Denied? Validate the disappointment and redirect energy toward other options.
The message should always be: “There are multiple paths to a great future.”
7. Reinforce the Growth, Courage, and Effort They’ve Already Shown
The application process required self-reflection, time management, vulnerability, resilience, and hard work.
Help your teen see that these skills — not any single admissions result — are what will ultimately carry them into college and beyond.
Remind them: “Applications end, but the strengths you built this year remain.”
Final Thought
Your calm, supportive presence has more impact than any piece of advice. Decision season is just one moment in a much bigger journey, and your teen’s future is not defined by a portal update. What matters most — now and always — is that they feel seen, supported, and believed in.
Contact Us for more tips on navigating the college admissions process.